so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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