Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Randomize
