OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
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