That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
the teacher just ate a hash brownie and passed out on the bus best field trip 2010'
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
yeah dropping that class because i really don't want to be known as the girl who fell asleep in class and threw up as she walked out for an entire semester
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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