Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
Randomize
