She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
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