someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
dude i'm inner monologue high
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
