This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
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