she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
did i just pee glitter
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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