she woke up with a sticky ear
He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
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