anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Randomize
