cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
Haha dude youd die if you were here. Girl presenting is defending the new testament and did her report on JESUS. best believe i'm gonna ask some hungover, atheist ass questions
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
Randomize
