I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
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