Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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