How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
Bang-toberfest begins!!
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
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