if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
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