you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
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