so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Randomize
