New low: just hacked my moms facebook
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
PS: I just woke up from my shower
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
