roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
