Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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