please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
