I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
Randomize
