When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
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