My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
She walked into class late sat down for 5 min muttered 'oh i cant do this' and walked out. She looked like death.
We should party with her soon
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
I think pants incapable of making pants work
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Randomize
