Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
