if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
This is a mass text. Does anyone know what the hell the asian woman at the end of Napoleon Dynamite is doing in the movie
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
Randomize
