I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
