I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
Randomize
