i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Randomize
