i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
i cant wait for all this BS that is happening with Tiger to happen to Tebow
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
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