Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
I need to sanitize my soul.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Randomize
