can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
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