How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
but seriously ill do anyone in one of those hats with the earflaps.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
