fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
Randomize
