I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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