Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
the other night i did but this one wasnt and it was so random. i was hooking up with this boy who wanted to roleplay and pretend to be snakes
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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