Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
Randomize
