Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
Randomize
