Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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