In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
i would one night stand the shit outta him
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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