i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
Randomize
