You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
