Her vagina should come with caution tape.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
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