He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
Randomize
