i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize
