im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
Randomize
