booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
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