i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
