It's just you. You wear the fuck me fedora and wear baller shorts, hollywood hippie who thinks she is shakira when she's drunk.
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
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