i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Randomize
