Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Randomize
